Hey lovely book readers, it’s been a minute, hasn’t it? Actually, it feels like much longer to me. This may come across as an unusual blog post, both for me and for you. I feel a sense of authenticity behind it, a blend of hurt, love, and openness. What I’ve kept hidden in my heart for so long is now yearning to be shared. Each day, the feelings grew stronger, the internal yelling louder and more insistent. It became impossible to ignore what my mind, nervous system, and heart were telling me.
It’s been five long, hard, emotional years since I lost a huge part of myself and have become this incredible women I am now. The last few years have been a whirlwind of emotions. Five years ago I found love, lost myself in someone else, and discovered the soul-aching beauty of dancing to loud music and kissing through summer and fun boat times. It's funny how the place where you fall in love can tragically be where it all ends. That was the year I was told I wasn’t enough, the year I got pregnant with that same love, and then lost what could have been a fairy tale life i thought.
When women give themselves completely to someone repeatedly and are rejected each time, it breaks them down more and more. Is it their fault, or is it that he couldn’t stay away either? The day I found out I was pregnant was a confusing one. I told two people: his best friend, who advised me not to bother because he wouldn’t care, and my mom, who was beyond thrilled. As days and months passed, I pondered reaching out but held back, not wanting to be seen as the crazy girl. So, I let go and held on to half of the fairy tale.
After my birthday, weeks later I started experiencing cramps, the worst pain I’d felt—worse than a broken heart. That day, my problem was tragically solved. I was bleeding, and my heart sank into my stomach. I remember lying in the hospital, feeling an overwhelming sadness with no one to tell me it would be okay. I was left to pretend I was fine, numbing myself with drugs, alcohol, and my surroundings. That was trauma number ......
Four months later, I was still working two jobs with zero direction, barely holding on. Then, out of nowhere, an artery dissection in my neck caused a stroke at the age of 31. This physical trauma was a wake-up call, forcing me to confront the emotional turmoil I had been suppressing. The stroke made me realize how fragile life is and how much I needed to heal from the inside out.
Reflecting on these past years, I see how much I’ve endured and how it has shaped me. The pain, the loss, and the heartache have all been part of my journey. Though the path has been rough, I’m learning to find strength in my vulnerability and courage in my openness. This blog post is a step towards that healing, a testament to the resilience of the human spirit.
To the readers still here and reading this, I hope you have had the chance to read "Beautifully Empowered" and some of my blog posts about mental health and overcoming hard things. Let’s skip a few years down the road, about two, and there he was again—a magnetic sexual current in the physical and mental state between us. Maybe it wasn’t love, maybe it was infatuation, or perhaps it was the rejection and the loss of our baby. I needed to prove I was a better woman than when he had met me years ago.
He brought a sense of home, calm, and loving touch at times, but also heartache with chaos behind the scenes: the lies, the parties, the other women. There I was, repeating the same pattern and mistake. I thought to myself, if I had changed, maybe he had too. Then, boom! That summer, a horrific boat accident happened. We both almost lost our lives that night.
As for my injuries, they have persisted to this day with the mental health of things and the body pain with more scars. Two sprained ankles, whiplash, cuts and bruises, a fractured elbow, and seven stitches. Despite these injuries, I gave in to the same pattern again. This repetition of mistakes made me realize how deeply I was caught in this cycle. The physical pain mirrored the emotional scars that had not yet healed.
In the aftermath of the accident, I began to reflect on my choices and the reasons behind them. The chaos and heartbreak were too familiar, and I knew I needed to break free from this destructive cycle that i was allowing myself. It was a long and painful process, but I started to see the importance of valuing myself and my well-being above all saying goodbye to what i thought could have been.
The bottom line is that there are good and bad qualities in everyone, and I have found some really good ones in the men I have dated. There have been times when we weren't meant to be, but we tried to force it, and things went wrong. This isn’t a post about nagging or being mean; it's about honesty and the love I felt and will always feel regardless of the ending. Last month, I had the opportunity to speak with an intellectual mentor of mine about my progress. He was brutally honest and told me I was lacking in some areas—areas I thought I had changed. This made me stop and think, "Wow, here I am again."
It's been ten days now with no social media on my phone—no Facebook, no Instagram, no LinkedIn. I even deleted my TikTok. Why? Distractions, the endless scrolling, the boredom, and the posting of pictures just to wait for likes and comments. Having facebook on my laptop as a tool and not for down time is important. It's been one month with no coffee, and I've switched to tea in the mornings. As a result, I've had zero afternoon brain fog, my cortisol levels have lowered, and my anxiety levels have decreased. It's been 20 days of meditating in the morning after waking up, and I feel emotionally stronger, with no more aching and an improved ability to retain what I do daily. I believe the pain of my migraines and pain in the neck will always be there from the accident but ill learn with pain management in whatever way i can.
It's been three days since my 72-hour water fast, and I highly recommend it to anyone who wants a gut reset and clarity. For three days, I only drank water with sea salt, and what I gained was knowledge, brain stability, energy, and focus without craving sugar. My skin cleared up, and my emotions were in check. The reason I did all this was because I needed it. My body was telling me i needed that change. My mentor pushed me to feel better, but the biggest reason was after a hard goodbye, I wanted clarity—not just from the situation but clarity in letting it all go. To look from the outside in.
Trauma comes in waves, and it can always be there and pop up, but how you deal with or maintain it is what you try to discover. For me, it was always abandonment issues and the yelling and screaming that broke me when I was younger. People always came and gone, and it hindered me until now, especially the day I felt that déjà vu from childhood hit me just weeks ago. The yelling of uncontrolled emotions, screaming at me and saying i am ungrateful and wrong.
Many of the topics I write about are always happy and focused on overcoming things and moving forward. However, let's not forget that strength isn't built by being positive every day. It's from being broken and not giving up, and saying to yourself, "Tomorrow can and will be a better day." To leave this blog with a thought in mind, a smile, and maybe even a tear, I offer you this reflection.
After enduring heartache, pain, and taking chance after chance on a love I felt I needed, I made the mutual, respectful decision to say goodbye. Guess what happened next? The universe heard my prayers, and a complete stranger came up to me, telling me how happy and radiant I looked, and that my energy was captivating. They told me to thank whoever was responsible for my happiness, as they were a perfect match.
I pondered this because, at the end of the day, we are all responsible for our happiness, not others. However, what we can gain from others is significant. Love is not being worried, jealous, or being angry. Love is slow, hard at times and so fun if you let it. Wait for the man who says, "Call me when you get home so I know you're safe," who looks you in the eyes and says, "I love how green your eyes are, and your lips are perfect." Wait for the person who kisses you on the forehead and makes you feel like the girl who was lost but now feels safe. The person who finally can see who you are.
Wait for the man who makes an effort to meet your friends and does things that may not be their favorite but are important to you. When you crawl into bed at night, your nervous system should be calm. Most importantly, wait for the man to whom you can tell your traumas, and who communicates back by saying, "I'm not going anywhere; I will always be here, babe so please stop worrying."
That was the change that had to happen. Thank you for reading and being a part of my journey. Sharing my story is not just a release; it’s an invitation for others to open up about their struggles and find solace in knowing they are not alone. Stop forcing relationships and friendships because it all works out by letting go.
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